he hurts me.
"never make someone your priority when youre only their option"
something to live by.
he's slipping from my fingers.
my heart is slowly coming out of his hands.
he's losing his grip.
i sent him an email that said that "no one else could make me happy"... which is completely true. it followed with "and i dont think anyone else could make you as happy like i do"
but... i think that maybe someone else could make him happier.
and even worse.
sometimes i dont think we will make it.
im not sure if i can handle it.
not him being far away.
but the girls.
and i trust him.
but i get scared and think of all the bad things that COULD happen.
ugh. why do i put myself through this?
im not sure what to do right now.
and yes. im writing this while im upset with him.
im upset with him because it doesnt seem like he tries hard enough.
but maybe he does.
i dont know.
BAD THOUGHTS GO AWAY!!
where has my happiness gone to?

i havent written in this thing in over a year.
crazy how things have changed so much.
on my last entry i was talking about a boy.
well that boy is JP Saquin.
and we have been together for over a year now.
and i love him.
and he just moved to the philippines.
and i am going to use this thing to vent.
because i dont really have anyone to talk to.
and i need to have someone to talk to.
and maybe one day i will show him this.
you just never really know.

well I was right.
I've been kissed.
And I'm not sure how I want to go into this...
So I'm going to creep around as much as possible...
Meaning I'm not going to release much info.
But what I will say is this...
He makes me happy when I don't think it's possible to be.
We had our first kiss on Monday.
And it's not that big of deal really...
But to be secretly honest...
I didn't think the kiss would work.
I expected to be turned off at first kiss...
But it does work.
And he takes care of me.
And we talk about nothing and everything all the time.
Once we get together we have to force ourselves to part ways...
Which is why we usually don't get home til 6am.
When were on the phone we have to make ourselves hang up after at least 3 hours of talking.
Isn't that crazy?
Like I'm completely, openly honest with him.
It's going really well right now.

On a down note in my life...
I think I cracked a rib or someone said sternum?
It feels like people are stabbing and squeezing my heart constantly.
It's terrible.
I can't pick things up really...
It hurts to lift my body up from bed or laying down...
It hurts to laugh. Cough. Or breathe in sometimes.
But I'm a trooper and I'll make it through...
Although work tonight will prove it's difficulty level.

there is someone knew who has taken over my thoughts.
i dont know what i would do without him.
he has become one of my best friends.
weve never touched except for our hugs.
and i wouldnt want to risk it because i love what we have already.
he understands me completely.
i am myself around him. like my REAL self around him.
he is just like me.
i cant be upset around him.
he rescues me all the time.
we spend ours together.
and then go home and talk on the phone for 3 more hours.
for nothing at all... but were laughing and were loving it.
he's the first one i call in the morning... or text.
and he's the last one i talk to at night.
he's the one i want to be with when im bored.
-------------------

hurricane ike came in and blew some shit around.
my backyard has lots of limbs... LARGE limbs it broke off one of our trees.
i also found a baby dog fetis back there.
our basketball goal is done for.
my sister in law got her car flooded. *which i find ironic*
the night that ike came in i stayed over at dustin and reedys place.
dustin meyers and david reedy are 2 guys from my work.
they invited me over for a pj party.
i took them up on that faster than the snap of your fingers.
it was fun.
we had our party water, our green, jenga haha...
anyway.
ike wasnt so rough this time.
i remember rita in nac... now that was some shit.
ike was just like, "thats it??"
now im sure those whos homes are destroyed arent saying that....
but im just saying.
--------
my mom just ruined my shirt.
i told her not to touch it.
whatever.
where are my meds???



haha but moving on.
i cant wait to see my love.
thats what i call the guy above.
my lover.
and im sure a kiss will come.

Someone has replaced me.
I am not that girl at the bar falling off her stool.
This past wknd made me see that my drinking and coke use has been tearing me apart all along.
Perhaps I should have realized it with my first blackout, or my first drunken tumble, or even my depression years.
.....
and then suddenly my personality returns.
confused? im sure.
i wrote that above on like wednesday?
and today is saturday.
so like i took a quarter of a xanax before going to work one afternoon.
and it was a-maze-ing.
not only did my icky self run out of me...
but i was focused, kicking major ass, while laughing and being my fun bubbliness.
so i did it again today.
its good stuff.
its what ive been pushed to be prescribed to for so many years...
but i refused because of my abuse of xanax while i wasted myself.
anywho.
life is grand.
boys are grand.
i have felt my heart jump again.
certain boys have creeped into my head from work.
theres a boy i talk to for hours on the phone and not realize its been hours.
and i work with him too.
i havent kissed any of them.
but i feel that intensity coming.
a great first kiss will be had soon. muahahahah.
i wonder who it will be?
there are a lot of boys in my head so theres no telling ;)
like my new pic? haha
im a total nerd.

I love how this book opens mind and expands my thoughts so far and deep that I can't even begin to accept it's endless possibilities.
All I have to say is that the further we are able to live in our present lives, the more we come to see what the past really was or wasn't.
We are able to move past what held us in place for so long.
I can see my dreams up ahead and it's time now to make it come true.

wedding wasted wknd is officially over...
or at least try to explain that to my body.
i didnt eat for 2 days.
not for the sake of starvation or to lose any weight by any means...
it just turned out that way.
the lack of food just made the wknd more intense... and i dont mean that in a good way.
i was hugging the toilet last night.
for about 5 hours.
and before that i would have to run to the bathroom for 5 min every hour.
those amazing bellinis destroyed my insides.
so when the wedding was over and we made it to the after party...
even smoking some pot to get hungry and chow down didnt work...
i had to force myself to take 3 bites of a sloppy joe.
and that is crazy since i usually have to force myself to not eat.
im not really going to go into any crazy details of the wknd.
obviously it was fun. obviously there was an outrageous amount of drugs available. obviously i drank myself to puking... alot.
it was so much fun though.
btw. i have a thing for trey again.
and a date with steven on wednesday.
trey is reading a book of mine.
i think its his way of having a reason to call me.
steven doesnt think i want to go on a date with him...
and he has every reason to believe that...
but i dont necessarily feel that way.
i am just done with guys.
i dont really want to date them anymore.
i dont want to have sex with them because im drunk.
i just want to keep them at a safe distance away from me while i try to replace the lock around my heart.
and could someone please get brandon out of my head.
i want him surgically removed.
like on that movie with jim carey.
he is constantly there.
so is kyle.
randy popped in there sometime but i dont really blame him for anything.
but kyle and brandon i do have unanswered questions.
they have put an awkardness in me.
they are the reasons i keep guys at such a distance.
sure there were other jerks... but none that could compare to brandon and kyle.
matthew was a jerk but thats just who he has become.
and yah he may have hurt me but im over it. the situation. and him.
i have no reason for him to even be in my thoughts unless were at work and his tables need prebussing.
when jeff pops in my head its because i realize that hes finally in his place.
mark comes in my head and thats cuz i wonder if he thinks im permanently psycho.
plus i wonder if he ever thinks of me.
but kyle and brandon are the ones always creeping into my brain at the most unexpected moments.
i actually found out where kyle was working.
hes a bartender at a katy bar.
i went to this bar in hopes that he was working.
he wasnt working. but my other friend justin works there too as a bartender.
i just wanted to see kyle.
i havent seen him in a few years.
he was my first boyfriend that i ever loved.
kyle destroyed me.
and then i let brandon destroy me.
but between kyle and brandon was brad.
brad... i dont even want to go into it because i dont even know what to say about him.
he didnt skrew me over.
he tried to and it did sting...
but in the end... im the one who skrewed him. not on purpose. but thats how he took it.
i hate when i get into my exboyfriend frame of mind.
when i think of all the guys i dated.
and these arent even all of them.
there was alex and micah too. which was interesting enough in itself even though they were 3 years apart? maybe more. i wont go into them either.
its just crazy you know?
i dated all these guys and more and never let one of them see me.
mostly because i was on too many drugs or getting wasted.
but... i dunno.
its crazy where i was and where i have come. where i am now. its crazy. just crazy.

i have been waiting for this weekend all summer.
it seems like forever for it to arrive and yet i wonder how we got here so fast.
weddings have always been a part of my life.
having a family so large means lots of weddings.
as the date looms over us like a cloud just waiting to explode its rain on us my parents get stressed out the way i always did during finals week in college knowing full well that i still havent opened my finance book.
i find it very annoying and i just want to pour them a drink roll up a joint and tell them to chill out...
instead i find myself trying to avoid all contact with them.
its as if i am stuck in a jungle and i see a boar eating some leaves knowing that it really preys on pretty meats like me to dig its teeth into.
i creep around listening to see what rooms they are in just so i know not to enter them.
i keep myself busy cleaning my room as well as the guest room so that is all ready for sarahs arrival.
sarah is too arrive tomorrow morning.
and i cant wait.

It's as if my body knows me all too well...
Where is the beer? And my nose screams for just one more line.
My head, as if it were president over all the organs, says no way we've come too far... Keep this battle going!
But the organs protest with rage and promise it will only happen once...
Just one the brain says... And keeps repeating just one more after each line...
What was left of my will power against coke has taken off at full speed.
I cave in like a little child does once they know their parents saw their artwork on the wall where they weren't supposed to color.
I pick up the little white baggy with my left hand pinching it as of it were infected.
I open and pour a sufficient amount onto a black sketcher box.
I stare at it's perfect pile of white beauty.
It reminds me of Christmas time when my mom pours the powdered sugar all over the counter to complete the final step in making "puppy chow."
I reach for the razor and turn it over in he air to examine.
I feel as if I am back in biology class picking up the instrument to cut into the rat we had to disect as juniors in high school.
I chop chop chop it up.
Till it's fine. No chunks. Just pure white powder... Like the powdered sugar on the counter.
I break it into 6 lines.
I ask for a straw and one of the kids brings back this stubby blue straw.
I think to myself how I wish I had cut the straw cuz this ones way too short.
That first line for my entire body Is like meeting up with an old best friend and hanging out as if you never left each other.
I pass on the box and hand her the straw.

there is something that filled the hole in me that matthew placed.
I feel a hatred that curls my toes.
It is a tension in my chest like a wire tugged hard from both ends.
I don't detest only him, but men everywhere.
When I drink it comes unhooked and takes flight like a shot rubber band.
When we work together I try not to look him in the eye.
When I catch a glance at him and he sees me I feel as if I have lost a battle.
His eyes are no longer filled with happy expressions but instead are as black as night.
I fear him. I fear men everywhere.
I can't compete with the kind of pain they put upon me.
I hate the universe and it's irony.
The world looks too pretty for this moment.
It doesn't fit this talk, which is too sad, and biting, and ugly.
I think that crying the st Arnold day was an honest reflex, an involuntary reaction to some inner pressure point.
They might have been my bodys way of telling me that something is wrong inside, that five years of drinking is catching up to me.
It is contorting me into some different girl, a new person who I can sometimes see in pictures, behind my glassed eyes and in the down-turned corners of my mouth.
This new girl is sad and secretive and volatile.
She is me, and I am in trouble.

I realize that I am most happiest when I am at work.
When this thought first crossed my mind I figured it was because I hated living with my parents and because after moving 150 miles away from friends that I just loathed my Katy life.
But that isn't it.
I don't miss my friends. I know they are there and I speak to them often enough for me not to miss them enough to hate my life.
I am happiest at work because I am "safe" there.
I can be myself as whacky and random and childish as I am.
I can speak openly to the guys and not worry that I am stepping over some invisible crush line that ultimately has me waking up next to him the next morning while I try to retrace how I got there.
I am not openly flirtacious to men in bars because I don't want to sleep with them.
And I feel as if I owe them some sort of sexual act because they bought me a beer.
When I'm at work I can do and say what I want with the guys without making them think I have some interest in them.
Their hand isn't on my lower back leading me to their room...
They love who I am without expecting a kiss as we walk to our cars to go home.
I love work because I am protected from feeling as if I have to kiss or hug or do anyone.
I am my childish self at work because I don't feel threatened.

ive never been like this my entire life.
im not sure whats wrong with me.
i am so impatient, bitchy, emotional, pissy, like... im a serious bitch.
im not happy. completely upset.
i cant even laugh. i do if it tickles my fancy... but im so closed in.
i dont know if this is some type of chic pms that ive never experienced...
but shit. this is absolutely terrible.
i also went to a funeral today.
so maybe that has something to do with it.
and im completely stressing about money...
im not working next weekend... and im just freaked.
i need the money for the next weekend.
and i didnt work tonight. i couldnt work tonight after the funeral.
it was too hard. it hit me hard. maybe that CAN explain why i am this way today and yesterday.
im not sure why im so upset about the money either.
i have over $200 in the bank that i can splurge for us.
and yet im still stressed. there is absolutely no reason for me to be freaking out about money.
i could be stressed about it because i did just splurge a bunch on clothes.
i bought 3 new tops and a jacket. and the jacket is A-MAZE-ING!
loves it ;) hahah when will i be able to wear it in the tx weather??? whatev.
i need to relax.
pot doesnt relax me anymore.
maybe a cigarette. haha pssssh. no thanks.
QUIT THIS BITCH REBECCA!!!

I remember the night perfectly.
As if it happened last week.
I was 16.
A junior in high school.
It was march.
I had a job at chuck e cheese.
I had just quit the Katy brigade a month earlier... Which had upset my parents, friends, the director ms. Henson, and the principal. Pissed them off that I would quit before the end of the year that they took my letter jacket away.
But I had new friends... And I had senioritis... And I just didn't care anymore.
I had the attitude that parents tell later about how I was your typical teenage bitchy daughter and classmate.
My sister would tell me later while I attend college that she ran into people that knew me and they said I was a bitch.
Again... I didn't care. I had new friends and I just didn't care.
This night in march was like any other night in high school.
I had off from work and my boyfriend danny was working.
We worked together... That's where we met.
I had our usual family dinner.
My parents and I got into a fight.
I wanted to see danny and they said I couldn't go out that night.
I was livid. I hated my family. I hated them so much.
I yelled and argued and threw a bitch fit... Although at that time it seemed reasonable.
Looking back now what I did was stupid and completely unjustified.
After sitting through the dinner my mom leaves for a church night.
My dad is downstairs working at the computer.
I sit indian style on the floor in my room.
I am starring at myself in the mirror.
My closet doors are just mirrors from floor to top.
I want to die.
I hate my life so much.
And I just want to die.
I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder how I would kill myself.
Cutting myself is out of the picture.
I had tried that before in the shower earlier that year.
The pain felt great. It was better than what I felt inside. It made me happy. But I knew I couldn't cut myself deep enough to die.
I knew I couldn't hang myself either. I had no rope.
So then I think of overdose.
I had enough pills to kill me.
I had them from drill team... They load us up with that shit.
Not the good stuff... But pills like Tylenol, midol, ibuprofen... Headache shit.
I get up and search for it.
My dad calls up to me to tell me he is going walking.
I find pills upon pill bottles.
I sit back down Indian style in front of the mirror and on the floor.
I have a glass of water and I watch myself swallow pill after pill.
A creepy happy feeling comes over me.
I might die and I smile.
Half an hour later I call danny at work.
He knows something is wrong.
At this time in my life I don't drink or do drugs.
I hang up and I am lying on the floor upstairs in the hallway that leads to my room.
I stare up at the ceiling with the house phone next to me.
It rings and I ignore it.
Why am I not dead? I wonder. I'm disappointed. I just want to leave this stupid life. I hate myself.
I get up and go to the kitchen.
The phone rings and I answer.
What? Is how I pick up the phone.
What's happening? What did you do? Danny is concerned.
I tell him nothing and hang up on him.
There's a knock on the door.
I answer it.
Fucking ambulance.
Did someone call? The ambulance lady asks.
Not at this house I tell her.
They turn and start to walk away.
The lady stops and turns around.
Are you ok? Did you something?
I can't lie to her. It's as if she can see through me.
I tell her I took 26 pills in less than 5 minutes almost an hour ago.
They look at each other and come in.

this song makes me want to cry.
"in the deep" by Bird York.
It's on the crash movie.
I love this movie.
If I wasn't with my mom... And I was alone... I would cry.cry.cry.
OMG!!! I almost forgot!!
I got home from work and guess what was in the mail!!?!
A letter from my credit people telling me I am paid in full!!!!
I'm debt free!!
Of course I will call tomorrow to confirm that I don't have to pay my $185 the next 3 months...
I couldn't be happier about this.
Seriously.
So let's talk about my life and leave my internal emotional thoughts out.
So I want a digital camera.
and if you haven't figured it out... I have expensive taste.
However.
I want this camera by next weekend.
Financially it is completely out of the picture unless I pick up shifts (which I don't want to do).
So I was thinking that I would buy a $150 one instead and use it til I can afford my $350 one.
Like I would seriously wait to just buy the one I want...
But I really wish I had a camera at Harold's wedding.
Now that I think about it... I should have asked matthew to bring his.
I have zero pics with him...
Which is ok... But it's memory I wish I had in photo.
We may not be friends now (which I think is way retarded)...
But he was really there for me.
Even if his intentions weren't genuinely true...
He still helped.
He was there for my bday when my family attacked me verbally and emotionally.
He's taken me home when I couldn't drive.
He was good company for pool time (even if he never jumped off the board).
And the week my parents left town... He really helped me stay sane.
So yes... As a friend he is great. And that is what I miss.
But he thinks I'm annoying. So whatever.
And I still do remember the st arnold day and the way he made me feel...
So his attraction is gone. But he is a good guy when he's not being a dick.
Wow. Sounds like a brandon... Stay away. Stay away.
But anywho. Camera.
I really want the entire wknd on camera.
Sarah will be here... Eric's old friends I haven't seen since high school will be there.
Drugs everywhere. Wasted nights. Fun times.
Like. I can't wait.
I'm def going to need the camera.
Moving on... The macbook...
So I opened a savings acct today.
Specifically for my MacBook.
I am going to try to save $200/wk give or take.
Right now I have $150 in there.
And if I truly have no more credit payments then maybe I can get it faster.
I need $1600 but to be safe I won't get it til I have $1800.
I should look on eBay... Hmm... I just thought of that.
I dunno if that would be more troublesoMe later.
I think I'll just get a new one of my own.
On other news.
I am currently looking for a job as a planner.
I would still work at Saltgrass... But I want this job too.
See I love to plan and organize and I love working with people.
And a dream job of mine (like me being a therapist) is being a party planner or like a wedding planner.
A planner for events. You get it.
I've found some in Houston but I'm not yet ready for that move.
I mean hello?? I still need mula for bills and my MacBook comes first!
I think that if I got a job like this then I will be able to tell if I would want to do this for the next decade or longer or until something comes erupting into my life for me to alter whatever lifestyle I am living at that moment. Ya know?
But gosh.
I really want to return to school...
But at the same time... My heart isn't in it.
Is anyones heart in it?
You know... I don't think I can write an entry without my emotions and deep questions or hidden thoughts come out.
All in all I would say life is pretty good.
Although 2 things that are negative.
1. My car ramone.
He needs a new windshield.
I had a rock hit it once last year and now it has grown across the entire windshield.
I'm scared I'm going to be driving and it bust out.
Damn the tx heat!
I also still need to fix the doorhandle.
And I need an oil change plus 3 new tires.
And my stickers are past the date.
So that's a lot of financial stress me.
Not to mention that my parents want me to find my own insurance.
Stress. I'm not ready. At least let me get my MacBook!
2. The original 5 will all be in Katy tomorrow.
The original 5 are my girlfriends from the beginning of college.
Linda (I've known since 2nd grade)
Carrie (best friend since jack camp03)
Christol (worked with her in high school but really got to know her in college)
Lucie (met through Carrie who showed me what college was my first yr)
And then me... If I were to describe me from the way they see me... It would sound like this...
Rebecca (the crazy red head who had our back) I use to fight chics who messed with my friends. Retarded. Yes.
It's weird how time alters things.
The negative part about them being here is why they are here.
Linda and I live in Katy.
Christol is from here... But lives in Dallas now.
Lucie is from marble falls but lives in Dallas too.
Carrie is from marble too and just moved into Austin.
They are all here due to the death of christols father.
We are all there for her. Love her.
So we are going to help her through this difficult time by going to the funeral...
And any other emotional support she needs.
I don't know what I would do if I lost my dad...
But I'm sure I'd be hysterical like she is right now.
I can't even grasp the idea of my dad absent in my life. Like it's not possible.
Crazy. Life. Ya know?

Ok love life now!!
Wait... There isn't one.
I have no new interest. And no old interest.
I am completely independent right now.
And you know... I like it.
I'd rather have my soul mate come knock on my door and say hi and introduce...
But nooooooo.... Life doesnt work that way for some strange reason.
But I like my goals I have set.
I'm getting out of summer psycho mode and falling into concentrated/ goal-oriented rebecca.
Believe it or not.... It's the responsible chic in me that has ruled most of my life...
Psycho never existed til brandon, alcohol, and drugs came into my life.
Now I'm at 2:3... Maybe that's why I'm not as psycho anymore.
CUz when you think about it....
Sure I'm a little weird and a huge dork...
But the only time I'm psycho or clingy is when I'm drunk.
Matthew said I was clingy.
But the only time I was clingy was if I was drunk.
Now psycho.... Let's see... Mark, jeff, brandon... I think that's it... They called me this.
Although jeff and brandon both text me and wish they hadn't fucked me over.
Mark. Haha poor mark.
I was fucked up out of my mind when that happened.
I don't even remember it.
He had to tell me... And that was 3 days after it happened.
Im sure I told you about it sometime in this journal.
Look it up...it was back in march.
There are facebook pics too... The one titled psycho bitch in nac or something.
It tells the story the story there too I think.
I've grown up a lot this year.
I know I've done immature things... And that I still have a lot of growing up to do...
But I'm getting there. I'm learning. From my past.
And I have a dream. For what I want my future to look like.
I haven't had goals since I can't even remember.
I need to be that girl I was 7-8 years ago.
I still have her spirit... Just lost the responsible part. Well some of it. Where are you rebecca?
I mean yayy on the debt free shit. That was very responsible of me.:)
I'm going to end this.
Goodnight

I want to move away.
Far.
Far.
Far away.
I want to be numb.
Cage my heart up.
Stay away.
Stay away.
Stay away.
I want brandon out of my head.
Get out.
Get out.
Get out.
I haven't talked to him since my bday.
He was the first one to call me.
Midnight. Right on time.
I miss the idea of our relationship when it was great.
I want to find that again.
I want to be loved all over.
I want him to want to explore my entire body.
As well as my mind.
Care about me.
Take care of me.
Pick me up when I fall.
Wipe my tears away.
Be excited with me when I'm excited.
I want that intimate relationship.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
I don't want to whore myself out.
Karma.
I got slapped for being a slut.
That's how I see it.
I don't want the sex.
I don't want to sleep in this bed. Live in this house.
I don't want to be left again.
I know I'm not normal...
But aren't I good enough to love?
I'm scared to love again.
To even try again.
No more sex.
No more boys.
Just me.
No abuse.
Just me.
Just... Me.

I need to know that it is possible to stay in love and happy forever.

so I can't seem to keep one idea.
My mind explodes new ideas and thoughts like every second.
And not to mention that I have people who have my best interest at heart.
So I had my heart set on moving to Austin.
Got all giddy with the thought of living there.
But then I got the journal in the mail...
Meghan said she would be upset if I didn't go back to school...
Then Curtis... This guy from work... He actually reminds me a lot of eric...
But he was telling me I should just finish school.
It caught me off guard coming from him since we don't really ever talk...
But I'm glad he said it. And it meant more coming from him...
Maybe because he doesn't know me.
So anyway I hung out with eric today....
He told me to apply to fasfa for financial aide.
So if I can get it then I will be attending UH sooner than hoped for...
But in the long run it will make me happier faster.
Meghan believes that finishing school will make me happy.
I believe that just moving out and paying my own bills will make me happy.
So I am going to set up an appt with UH.
I need to start looking for a job out there as well as an apt.
And I will need a roomie too to save mula...
If it were up to me I would live solo.
I mentioned to ashlee from work once about living together...
But her bf wants to move in with her and she doesn't...
So I mean she is in a shitty situation.
But if shE can move in then that would be perfect.
She is this real chill cool chic...
She reminds me a lot of Carrie.
And Carrie and I lived together for 3 years.
But I may have to find someone else.
WelL have to see.

life is so frustrating for me right now.
I have so many dreams that I'm not sure which to choose to go after.
Society says to go back to school...
While my heart and gut tell me otherwise.

I want to run away.
Far far away.
I want to buy my MacBook and write.write.write.
I'm thinking this:
I save my money the next couple months.
I use that to pay off remaining debt plus buy my MacBook.
So I'm thinking I can do that by early october.
Then save my money again the next few months after.
Once I have $3000 saved I move.
I'm thinking I will have this amt between jan and feb.
I'm not sure where I would move but I would fucking move damnit.
Away from this town. This city. These people. My family.
Away from it all.
If I stay in Texas then I would live in Austin probably.
I believe that if I try hard enough then I can be a writer.
Not this kind of bullshit writing but real writing.
And in a year if I get no where in life then I reconsider the school thing.
I know I need a degree in this damn life to really make it in life.
But I can't just get up and go to school and disregard what my heart body and soul are trying to tell me.
I have to do this for myself.
I need to know that I tried to do something for me...
Even when those that loved me most tried to get me to go back to school.
Life is all about the what ifs man...
And what if my fate is waiting for me to hear my heart.
To tell me that my happy place isn't where I am right now...
I need to do this for me.
I mean look at me.
I'm living with my parents while waiting tables.
I can do that shit anywhere.
I'm not happy in Katy. Houston.
I need to do whatever it is I need to do to be happy.
And that's really all there is to it

I just want to say that things are really good right now.
no drugs or alcohol today.
early sleep last night.
I'm genuinely happy inside and out.
in every way possible.
that is all.

at what point will it feel comfortable to be the 3rd wheel... the 5th wheel... the x wheel...

my life is ever changing in 2008.
and as i predicted back in january....
were all getting so far in life.
harold gets married next wknd.
him and his daughter and katie are getting along well.
things are "normal" for them now.
he has taken the responsibility as a father... finally.
eric is adjusting to life with wife and child.
although he doesnt marry til aug 31...
they are the family.
amanda is your typical mother.
eric is trying to make ends meet and step up as a father and husband.
his life is very organized and i can see them going far in life.
im not worried one bit for them.
jacqueline has a steady boyfriend, john.
she brings him everywhere.
she still doesnt understand parenting...
but you know... i wont get into that.
she is doing well for herself right now i believe.
i wouldnt ever date a guy like john...
but thats just me.
if they make each other happy that is all that matters.
as for myself...
im single. and STILL trying to love it.
and its not that i dont get offers for dates.
because i do know people are interested.
there are 2 guys that constantly ask me over for movies...
i dont go because i dont want to lead them on.
to be completely and openly honest...
i like matthew.
and he's the only one i want.
and im not sure if its me really being into him...
or if its me wanting him because i cant have him.
but you know... were both going different directions in life...
so i dont really see the point in trying for him anymore.
like he is my date next wknd for the wedding.
and im pretty sure that will be the last time we hang out.
just because he's busy moving downtown with curtis...
and im busy trying to fit myself into my family while trying to complete school asap.
i need to focus on myself.
i need to stop going out [again]...
and work my way back into the gym.
thats my goal this week.
to go to the gym everyday.
and i dont see why that would be an issue.
something else thats on my mind is this thought...
there is harold/katie/gabriella... eric/amanda/mason... jacqueline/john/andrew... me.
earlier i saw myself as the hip single fun aunt...
now i just see myself as "lonely."
for example: the 3 couples above want to go out... "ooo but do we invite rebecca? she'll be all alone..."---- i dont want that!
im starting to feel that i need to find myself somebody...
and whenever i think that i think of matthew...
and im so sick of thinking of someone who doesnt give a shit.
and does anyone think of me ever?
and why is it that i dont want the guys that want me?
how do i find guys like matthew? and why do i like his type?
and will i ever find love... true cant-get-enough-of-you love.
i want matthew and i not to work together....
that way i dont ever have to see him...
which makes things easier.
why do i feel this way toward him?
it makes me angry that i do.
"fuck you matthew"- curtis says to think that when matthew pisses me off inside my head.
the kid drives me insane.
i can be completely pissed off at him and then look at him and be like... i was mad?
he has these eyes that are completely off the wall amazing.
he speaks through his eyes too... his emotions shine through them...
and when he is happy and he looks at you... this emotion runs through my body and tingles and then you see a smile on me.
and then there is HIS smile.
its incredible.
so then you have these 2 big brown eyes that youre already falling into then he shows this smile that makes you happy for no reason at all.
matthew is absolutely gorgeous in every amazing way.
his eyes and smile are his best features for sure.
so you get past the looks which are all amazing.
and then we get to his personality.
which is also fantastic.
hes smart, funny, spontaneous, he listens [for the most part].
now the kid is not perfect... at all.
he has his flaws...
but i can overlook them... with just those eyes.
does this entry make me appear psychotic?
because i want to remember that this is how i felt about him...
so that when he fucks me over i'll be like fuck... but i did it to myself.
i want to know exactly how i feel about matthew now so that i can remember later.
does that make sense?
anywho. pool time with matthew now.

Matthew is a liar.